The Fatal Days: The True Resident Evil 4 Story
by NoThaTerrible
Summary: Resident Evil with swearing, drugs, and perverted people. 300% chance of laughter while reading, guarenteed.
1. Arrival

!!WARNING!! Swear words headed your way !!WARNING!!

**---December 11---**

I have arrived at the destination. The two retards driving me there have managed to get the car stuck in a hole. I decided to take a look around while the guys attempted to pull the car out of the hole. Past the

trees, I laid my eyes upon a peculiar house. It looked as if it had been abandoned for years. I opened the front door, which was surprisingly unlocked, and stepped inside. As I maneuvered my way through

the halls, I saw a lit fireplace, and an old man. I approached him and asked, "Excuse me," as I took out a picture of the president's daughter, Ashley, "Have you seen this girl?" The old man spoke to me in

Spanish, which I could not understand. So, I walked away, towards the exit. Then, the man whipped out a spear and attempted to jab it at me. Then, with my super senses, I back-flipped away, and everything

went into slow motion, as the spear passed by my ass. As I landed, I whipped out my Handgun and shouted, "Motha' Fuckah'!!". I shot that Sonoma bitch right in the head. "Speewsh!!" His brains exploded out

of his head and landed on the wall behind him. I then heard an engine start, and saw the escorts driving away without me. I jumped out a nearby window and started running towards the car screaming, "You

shit-holes! Stop the fucking car! Hey dick-weeds!! You sick-bastards better fucking stop!" The two sped up and drove onto a bridge, which collapsed and carried the car into a bottomless pit. Those assholes

had it coming. But now I was stuck, about 15 minutes away from the village. I started heading toward a gate that lead into the village., when suddenly, I had the urge to pee. I turned left to a small cabin, and

began whizzing on the wood floor. As I zipped up my pants and turned around, I saw a man stuck onto the cabin walls with a spear through him. It was drenched in blood, and all that was left of the body was

bones and a shirt. I peeked up the shirt to see if it was a woman, but unfortunately, a swarm of flies came bursting out of the mouth, so I ran out. As I swatted the flies away, I saw some suspicious activity

going on inside the village. I whipped out my binoculars, hid behind a tree, and spied on some lovely ladies walking about. Everything seemed normal, so I walked in and said to one of the girls, "What up

beeyatch?" She then screamed and a big spear thing shot out of her mouth. It was attached to her throat by some veins. Everything went in slow motion again, and I took the spear and jabbed it in the girls'

head. "Whoosh!" Her body fell to the ground and…disintegrated. I walked on and everyone attempted to attack me. So I shot 'em all in the balls with my Handgun. I then called Hunnigan, my 'manager' for the

mission, to ask her what the fuck was going on. So I said to her, "What the fuck is going on!?" She replied, "Your dad is going on and on and on and on…" So I retorted, "Holy shit! He is getting laid tonight! But

seriously dude, what the fuck!" She said, "I dunno. Go check the village." I said, "I am in the village shit head!" "Then what the hell ya' waitin' for!? Look for Ashley!" replied Hunnigan and hung up. I then

searched for another gate. I found one, but a bitch with a chainsaw was blocking it. What the fuck was wrong with these people? were they mind controlled? I asked her to put the chainsaw down, but all she

said was, "Rarrgh!!".

So I ran up behind her, took the chainsaw, and sliced her right down the middle of her body. I took the key she dropped, opened the door, and turned to my right. I saw another cabin. Inside was a shotgun,

which I stole and shoved in my extremely small briefcase which I hide in my ass so no one can see it, and a type writer. I punched in the letters L.E.O.N. and the words, 'Saved', appeared over my head.

Apparently, if I die, I will re-spawn there. This village was so fucking cool. Except for the chainsaw bitch. I then set course for a nearby shed. Inside, I found a grenade, 100 pesetas, and a ruby. This must have

been Michael Jackson's house. Not only did I find treasures, but I also found a couple of dead naked kids lying on a dinner table. Too bad Ashley wasn't there though.

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**Told you it was filthy. But wait, it gets worse!...and yes, Hunnigan is a black gangster.**


	2. No Sign Of Ashley

**---December 12---**

I had just awaken from my sleep. I had sleep in an old cabin so one could find me. As I awoke, I found that a cardboard box had appeared on a nearby shelf. I cut it open with my knife, and a snake came out

and bit my hand. Then I shot the bastard and ate the egg it left behind. Then Hunnigan called and asked, "Where the fuck is Ashely bitch!?" I retorted, "I can't find her. I'm looking everywhere." "Sonoma Bitch

don't lie to me! Find her or my hood will come and murder the shit out of you, know what I'm sayin'!?" I replied, "Yeah whatever bitch." and hung up. I put on my jacket and stepped outside. Then, another

chainsaw bitch spotted me. I Shot her twice in the head, but she wouldn't die. I though to myself, 'How the fuck does she not die after two head-shots!? She must be like a bionic woman or something!'. So I

whipped out my shotgun, which came fully loaded, one whole fucking bullet. I shot her in the head, but she just fell back, she didn't die. What the fuck was she made of!? Titanium? I ran up to her, kicked the

bitch in the head, and her head exploded. It was pretty fucking sweet. I tried taking the chainsaw, but I couldn't store it in my small ass briefcase. So I walked forward and continued searching. "Ashley, where

are you!?!!" I shouted, but all I attracted was more fucking farmers. This one guy started throwing axes at me. After the first two he chucked, I thought he ran out, but it seem that he has an endless supply

coming out of his ass. So I shot him. One guy had a spear, and all I thought was, "Where do they get this shit from? The Russian's???". I took the spear as he attempted to stab me, and shoved it in his penis

area, which caused him to squirm. Then, 20 more farmers were heading towards me, when suddenly, a church bell rang and they left. I took the opportunity to escape. As I walked along, a guy in black and

purple robes came up to me and said, "Got something that might interest you!" It was a merchant. I checked his selection of weaponry, which he hid in his coat. I found a rocket launcher, but it was too

expensive. Who the fuck would pay for one fucking ammo!? God forbid you miss your target! So I killed the guy and…I couldn't take anything he had on him. A mystical force repelled me from stealing anything

and I was like, "Fuck this!" and walked off. Up ahead I found a church, but there was a hole on the door. I would've called Hunnigan, but she was just say, "What the fuck are ya' doin' beeyach!" So I just

looked around for a symbol that could fit on the door. Instead, I found another cabin. I peeked inside and found a large coat cabinet. I stood there and stared at the cabinet wondering what would happen if I

opened it. What were the odds that Ashley was in it? It started shaking and then I thought, "Maybe Narnia is in there! Dude I fucking loved that book!". I called Hunnigan, bad decision, and asked, "Hunnigan, I

found a cabinet. Should I open it?" She replied, "Is there crack in there?" I replied, "I don't know. Probably not. Why?" She answered, "Cuz I'm fresh out. Ok dawg, new mission. Find Ashley, then get me some

high quality crack. Got all that douche bag?!" I just hung up. So I decided to save my game on a nearby typewriter before I opened the cabinet. I did a quick search around the cabin, to see if Ashley was

around, but she wasn't. So I got back to the cabinet and put my hand on the handle. Then I pulled it open…

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**I don't believe in separating a bunch of lines for dialogue scenes, so deal with what I have!...and yes, there will be more references to perverted things for you perverts out there.**


	3. Luis

**---December 13---**

…A man dressed in a blue shirt fell out. He was tied together by the arms and legs. I untied a sweaty bandanna that was tied around his mouth and he said, "Hola.". I replied, "What?". He said, "Ah, Americano.

I'ma Luis, a researcher." "Huh. So what's up with these sickos?" I said. "They're my familia. They got all fucked up on some ancient crack we dug up here, and now they're high as fuck." he replied. "How can

they snap out of it?" I asked. He said, "You need to fuck 'em. Good long hour of fuckin' amigo." Sick bastards. So I finished asking Luis questions and suddenly, a big 17ft giant stepped in and knocked us out.

Then some bitch injected me with some ancient crack…or something like that. Then, I woke up next to Luis in another cabin. I checked my mini-map in the upper-right corner of the world, it was holographic, and

saw that the church was a mile away. So I stepped outside and found the merchant again. I thought I killed that asshole. Guess not. He took my gun, upgraded it, which was barley noticeable, and stole 6000

pesetas from me. What a dick! I didn't even ask him to upgrade the firepower of my gun. So I opened another gate and found 3 guys holding dynamite right in front of me. They chucked it at me…and I died. So

I reloaded myself and continued from that same point. I took my Handgun and cocked it 3 times. When I shot it, it killed all three guys at once. Too bad those instructions didn't come in the gun manual. After 30

more kills, I collected some ammo for my shotgun and met up with Luis. I asked, "How the fuck did you get here before me!?" He retorted, "Broken Butterfly revolver. Instant kill handgun." Son of a bitch! I

would've bought it off him, but the merchant took all my money for a cheap ass upgrade that didn't do shit. How the fuck can I tell if my gun does 0.1% more damage!?!! He probably just fucked it up, I don't

know. Screw that guy and his anti-gun-stealing-force field! So Luis ditched me again, and I continued on. When I walked forward, some assholes shut the gate behind me and I was forced to fight a giant. I

shot his eye and he bent over. So I climbed up on his back, where there was a big hole, and I fucked him. Just Kidding!!! No…I really stuck my knife in there and cut his spinal cord in half. He fell to the ground

and I jumped off his back. I ran to his feet and cut them off. I dragged the huge things to his head and shoved them in his nose. He couldn't breathe, so he died. Wow, that was probably the final boss! I hope

so, cause I want to leave this fucking village already. After he died, the north gate magically opened, and I walked through it. As I moved forward, my foot got stuck in a bear trap. These sons of bitches

planned my every move. I forced the thing opened and tried to pull my foot out, but it chomped on it again! I pulled my foot out as quick as I could and I escaped. I took a few more steps forward, and some

village ass-dicks pushed a boulder off a cliff. It started chasing me, so I sprinted as fast as I could from it. I leaped out of the way, and it crashed into a gate, breaking it open. These guys must be like…the CIA

of hell, cause that's where I am right now. What's next, zombie dogs!? I spoke too soon, I walked through the broken gate and zombie dogs started biting me. I Shot them in the ears, and they ran away.

Stupid dicks! As I walked forward I found a treasure chest on the ground. I opened it up and a insignia was in it that matched the symbol on the church door. Then Luis showed up and said, "Leon, can I screw

with Ashley once you save her?" I replied, "Dude you can do whatever the hell you want with the bitch, once the president knows she's safe." He left, and I retreated to the church. But the boulder blocked my

exit, so I walked through an alternate path to the left. There was a huge lake blocking the way. But there was a boat docked right where I was. So I had no choice…

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**You might want to re-play this game to refresh your memory about the things going on, as there are a ton of in-game refferences...and yes, I try to throw in curse words every chance I get, deal with it!**


	4. Anaconda

**---December 14---**

I hopped in the boat, and the first thing I noticed was a spear on the floor. Whatever. I started the boat and head toward the middle of the lake. It was so foggy, that I couldn't see my own shit when I shitted

in the lake. I then noticed two guys in another boat, dumping a body in the lake. Then they said, "Let's fucking scram!". Why were they in such a hurry to leave? When they left, I headed to the spot where they

were, and looked in the lake. I saw nothing. So I turned off the boat and sat down to eat. There was a banana in the boat, so I ate it. Then, I head a splashing noise, so I dropped the banana in the water. A

huge…fin was approaching the boat, and I was like, "The fuck is dat'!?!!" I quickly turned on the boat and sped off. Then, a huge anaconda popped out of the water and tried to attack me. It missed, but got

me all wet. My cell phone was ruined now. How the fuck am I supposed to call for rescue when I save Ashley!? I then took the spear and said to the thing, "Eat shit you prick!!" and chucked the spear at his

head. It pissed him off, so he gave chase to me again. As he drew near, I took my gun and shot his mouth. His head landed right on the boat, which flipped me over. Holy fuck! I swam back to the boat as fast

as I could. As I jumped in the boat, the anaconda thing attacked again. It munched a hole in the side of the boat. I yelled, "Ass-face! Eat lead!" and I shot him in the back with my shotgun. He roared and

turned to face me, but did not attack. He looked at me in the eyes and spoke, "You dick-face! Me, lord bitch!!". He then munched on my handgun. Great, that 6000 peseta piece-o-shit upgrade was real helpful,

considering it was eaten. I kicked him nose, and he started bleeding. Then I ripped a board from the floor of the boat, and wedged it in his eye. "How do you like that, lord pussy-bitch!" I shouted and he said,

"Come fuck me lord fuck-balls!!" So I jumped in the lake and swam up to the bitch. We met eye to eye, and I took my shot gun, pressed it against his head and said, "Bye you fuck!" and shot him. He fell

backward in the lake and hit the lake floor. It was over. I swam back to the boat, and sped off to shore. As I got off, I saw another typewriter. So I saved my life again. Next to the typewriter was a rifle, which I

wish I had when I fought the anaconda bastard, ammo for it, and a green leafed plant. It was 100% pure marijuana! I smashed some leaves up, and snorted it. I felt so much better, that my life increased! I

walked out and sight of the church up ahead, and caught eye of the merchant. I ran up to him and shouted, "Mother Fucker you better get me a new gun! My gun is gone and you wasted 6000 fucking pesetas

on it!". He said, "I have something' that might interest ya'!". I replied, "What? What the fuck might interest me you stupid whore!?!!". "Shoot 10 blue medallions and I'll give you a free gun with a good upgrade,

increased ammo capacity!" he said. So I left and looked for some blue medallions. I found one, but in was in one of the farmers' back pocket. I snuck up behind him, and shot the thing. He screamed, "Ahhhh!

Son of a bitch!!" and took out a grenade. Holy shit! I was going to die, so I took out my shotgun and blew a hole through his brain. He fell down on the grenade and exploded himself up. One down, nine to go.

I looked everywhere, and I only found one more medallion, and it was on a castle gate. I shot it, and decided to fuck this shit. I wasn't going to shoot any more fucking medallions! I got to the merchant and

told him I shot them all. He believed me and gave me a 'Punisher' Handgun, capable of blowing through three people at once. Kind of like my mom. Just kidding. I took the gun and bought some flash grenades

and left. I headed toward the church, finally, to save this stupid bitch and get the fuck out of this place!

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**Leon is bad no?...and yes, the anaconda can talk, so what? Ever seen a talking anaconda before? No? Get out of your house more often then.**


	5. Back To The Church

**---December 15---**

I ran inside a nearby cabin and saved my game. Then Luis came in from nowhere and said, "Hey Leon, you ready?". I then was thinking, what the fuck!? Suddenly, a bunch of those villagers started attacking

the cabin from the windows, and the place was flooded with them. So me and Luis whipped out our guns and started a shooting spree. I waited for three guys to line up in a row, and then blasted through their

heads with one shot from the Punisher. Damn! This thing was fucking magnificent. It was so weight so lightly, but it only had 12 fucking bullets in it. So when it ran out, I was fucked! I took my one ammo-ed

shotgun and blasted one guy with it, and that was the end of my shotgun. I needed to upgrade that bitching gun so bad! So then I hid behind Luis, who started shooting all those Mother Suckers in the head.

He then ran out of ammo too and said, "We got to get the fuck out of here!" So he fucking ditched me and I found a nearby lever. I pulled it to the left and a gate opened far away. I kicked my way through the

hoard of zombie-thing-bitch-asshole-villagers, and entered through a left gate. I found myself on a bridge, with a merchant next to me. I bought a rifle from him and headed forward. I zoomed in on this one

guys head and shot him. He flipped backwards into the water. Then, I climbed into a pit, where I found a key. Then, 2, not one, but two mother fucking chainsaw bitches came out and started chasing me. I took

out one of my flash grenades and stuck it in one of the bitches' mouth. She exploded somehow from the flash and sound, leaving one more bitch behind. Then, I realized that I had to shit really bad. So I took a

taco shit in a plastic bag, tied it into a knot, and chucked it at the bitches' chainsaw. It popped into her eye's, and the fumes went in her nose. The pressure must have been too exhilarating, because she

dropped the chainsaw on the ground, and fell on it, cutting her in half. Served that fucking bitch right! So I headed forward through another gate and found myself, face to face with another giant. I took a

different approach this time though. I took my knife and chucked it at the guys' one eye, and he died instantly. So much for that stupid fat bitch. I walked through the next gate and tripped on my shoe lace. I

bent over to tie it (That's what she said…) and suddenly, I found myself right in front of the church. I put the insignia thing in and walked inside. I ran up the stairs to a cellar and found a locked door. That must

have been where Ashley was. So I found this one puzzle thing where I had to match up 3 colored lights together. I did it in a flash, and magically, the door unlocked itself. I walked in and found the bitch. I

introduced myself and decided to take a little break. So I closed the door and…well…you know. I got jiggy with it if you know what I'm saying. So 4 hours later, I pulled up my pants and left the room. Then this

priest, Saddler, appeared and said, "I will see you both soon." and I was like, "The fuck was that!?!!" and ran out of the church. The bitch was finally saved, so I called Hunnigan. She said, "Where's my crack

bitch!?". I replied, "Hunnigan, I found Ashley, can't you just forget about the crack?" She retorted, "No bitch! Now fucking head to find some crack, and not the shitty kind either, or I won't send a chopper your

way! Now get it!". So now I was on a hunt for some crack. Great. Might as well get lost in a castle too while I'm at it! This mission was balls. As soon as I got back, I was going to fucking quit and shove pencils

up Hunnigan's fat black ass! Now where the fuck was I going to find crack in a place like this!?

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**So the hunt for the crack begins!...and fyi, a taco shit is gooey, watery poop with chunks in it. So yeah, it's nasty. Too much information? Well I know that you wanted to know what it was. Don't lie.**


	6. Escaping The Village

**---December 16---**

I took Ashley East…well actually I don't know which direction I took her because I don't have a compass. So I took her wherever and we found a chairlift. I led upwards, so I guess up was our only way out of

the village. I decided to not look for crack, and Hunnigan can go fuck her balls, because it would take to damn long. So we went on the lift, and the it wouldn't start. So I told Ashley to wait while I go turn on the

power. The bitch decided to jump off the cart as I turned the power on, so I yelled, "Stupid bitch! You stupid fuck, why the fuck did you get off!?" She said, "I was scared!" So I replied, "What the fuck is there to

be scared of!?" She turned around and pointed to the cart she was standing in, and a giant was standing there. I shot the chains that were supporting the cart and he fell to his death. Then I said, "See,

nothing to be scared of!" She said, "I wasn't scared of him! He was my dad's bodyguard, he had a chopper! I was scared of the villagers!" I then thought that we were screwed up to our balls in trouble.

Actually, never mind. I knew for a fact that we were screwed! So I took my punisher and shot the asshole villagers all the head. Then, a huge ass truck came speeding towards us. I leaped out of the way, and

the truck exploded, killing all nearby villagers. I was bad-ass. It felt like I was in a video game: 'Officer Leon jumped out of the way of a truck lit of fire!'. Oh yeah, I was pimp…until that stupid bitch got captured

again. A villager was carrying her on his shoulder. She was kicking, and I could see her panties. So I took the moment to crouch and look at the view…Oh yeah, very nice! The I got up, shot the guy carrying her,

recaptured her and ran off. I said, "We got to get the fuck out of here!". Then, the merchant came up to us and gave Ashley a knight costume. She put it on and became invincible. I shot her in the knee, but

she didn't feel it. All we heard was the ricochet. So then, we continued eastward, or whatever-ward, until we reached a massive gate. It was missing an insignia…my God! This place was a fortress puzzle!

Where the fuck were we going to find an insignia! Well, I just shot the shackle and the door opened. That's what I should do for now on. We found ourselves on a bridge on the opposite side of the gate. The,

villagers started chasing us…thousands of those bastards! So I threw a grenade in the middle of the bridge and it blew up. All the villagers fell in the water and died. The End……..Just kidding. Now, we found

ourselves face to face with a giant castle. "Dear Lord, whatever is inside that castle…just don't let it fuck us." I prayed to myself. Then, we entered the huge armored castle.

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**Ahh, so the duo enters the dreaded castle. What adventure await them?...and yes, Leon killed the only person that could help him escape. Why? Because I made the story like that, so shut up!**


	7. The Castle At First

**---December 17---**

This is going to be short, because my hand is really sore. Please forgive me if you were interested in parts I skipped, they were boring anyways. We walked in the castle, right? And the very first thing that

happens, is some castle villagers, I'll call them Cult Guys from now on, start shooting us with gigantic catapults that flung flaming spitballs! One hit me in the hand, because I put my hands in front of me thinking I

could block the thing. ---Blah, blah, blah--- Then I called Hunnigan and she said, "Where's ma' crack beeyatch! I told ya'll to…" I lost signal with her, and another voice came on, "Hello Leon." I replied, "Who is this?

Chris? Oh my God man what's up!? I was so stoned that one night it was not even…" "This is not Chris! This is Krauser, your old buddy!" interrupted Krauser. "Krauser? You son of a bitch! What the fuck do you

want!?" I shouted. He said, "Your mom! Mwahahahahahaha!!" and hung up. ---More blah, blah, blah--- So then Ashley got captured again. As if I already knew it wasn't going to happen. So that's about it for

today. Dear Lord I'm bleeding all over this journal! I got to buy a new one. Oh well…

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**You'll see Krauser again, but he might look a bit different...and yes, I was too lazy to write a complete chapter, so what. I made up for it later on. Yes I did...well...maybe I did. You'll just have to find out.**


	8. Luis' Death Ashley's Story

**---December 18---**

Hi. This is Ashley. Wow, Leon wrote a lot of stuff here. I found this journal when Leon threw it into a pit because he saw Luis die…which I should probably record! I hope Leon doesn't mind that I use his journal.

OK, so I'll start out today like this: "Dear diary, today a lot of neat stuff happened. I bonded with some mice down here in this pit. Leon lost his journal, which is now my diary. And Luis died. Saddler, the priest,

came up to him and stabbed him in the chest with his spear-arm-thingy! Gross! So now, I'm waiting here to die. The End. Wow, that was boring. Where's Leon. Oh my God I see him! I shouted, "Hey Leon down

here!" and he said, "Bitch Fuck Vagina Slut Whore Mother Fucker what the Fuck are you doing down there bitch!" Wow, what a potty mouth. I said, "Hold on I'll come up there. Just wait for 30 minutes. He

grunted and sounded pissed, but he was my only ticket out of here. I found a small hole and walked in. Inside, it was dark. So I picked up a flashlight that was conveniently lying on the ground next to me. I

looked around and found a crossword puzzle book. It was so easy, the questions were like, "Where does a baby come from?". Well duh! A vagina! So easy! Then I found a chest and opened it. Inside, I found a

key. Then, all the statues turned to life and started chasing me. It was cool! I showed off some of my cartwheels while trying to dodge their sword. What a work out! Then, I ran up some stairs and met up with

Leon. I told him what happened and showed him his journal I found and… ---Leon--- OK, I'm sorry that Ashley took over the journal. Anyways, the story left off when…oh shit! She already wrote down

everything that happened. And…without swearing! That bitch! Anyways, she didn't say what happened when she was down there. I had sex with Luis's dead body. Yes I did! It was fucking sweet! OK,

I'll stop here. Hopefully, tomorrow's entry will be longer and more exciting than today's. !!!Hey look, an Island in the distance!!!…

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**Ashley's story was more pleasant than Leon's don't you think? Oh well, there'll be no more of her interruptions again...and yes, baby's really do come from vagina's, just listen to Ashley.**


	9. The Island

**---December 19---**

Oh boy! This'll be one fucking long ass entry. OK, how do I start?! Well, we found a speedboat, with keys in it (Go figure), and we sped off to a nearby Island, called The Island. On it, we thought we would find

peace, and maybe wood to make a signal fire, since Hunnigan's a bitch who I don't want help from anymore, but I was wrong. Why the fuck did I come to this Island!?!! It turned out that the inhabitants of the

Island were villagers, but stronger and smarter versions. A guy with a cattle prong, an electric stick, came behind me and stabbed my ass. It shocked like a Big ass Mother Fucker!! So I shot him with my mine

launcher…Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you all the guns I found in the castle! I bought a magnum, a rifle, a mine launcher, an uzi, and a rocket launcher! Oh yeah, I was a walking arsenal! So anyways, I shot him,

and he exploded. It was so cool, his guts flew all over Ashley and she had a heart attack! Double Whammy! Back on track, we walked forward and met up with my old partner, Ada. I didn't have enough time to

talk to her because she left. Yeah, she a prostitute so she's always busy. Then, Ashley got kidnapped again behind my back. So I ran forward to look for her, but instead found Krauser. He was still mad at me

for fucking his girlfriend, so he held a gun to my face. Whatever, it was worth it. He ran away with my rocket launcher, and I said, "Mother Fucker that costed me 30,000 pesetas! Come back whore!" and sped

off. I found my self in a prison of some sort. Inside, I found a kitchen. Not very clean though. I found an oven, this is where it gets good! And as I walked past it, a flaming oven man popped out and scared the

shit out of me. I screamed, "Ahmotherfuckerwhatthemotherfuckbitch!!!!" and shot him in the head with my magnum. It was scary as shit. Then, I found a freezer room. It was locked and needed a key card. So I

walked back into the kitchen, and searched the dead oven man. Luckily enough, a key card was in his pocket! I swiped the door open, and walked inside. It was cold. No fucking duh it was cold! It was a

goddamn freezer! So I found this conveyor thing with a guy on it. He looked freaky: he was white and bald, and looked inhuman. I opened a cabinet, and found a switchboard, with a button that operated a

security camera. I turned it on, and the screen behind had a video of Ashley on it. She was in a prison cell. I then left in a flash. But, my eye caught the conveyor belt again. It was empty, the guy was gone.

Something wasn't good here. I walked out of the freezer and turned left. Then, I saw it. The thing on the conveyor belt walking towards me. I shot him in the head, but his head just…regenerated. So I shot him

in the leg, and he fell to the ground. Here's the scary part, he leaped up and leeched on my neck! What the fuck was this thing!? I pulled him off me and shot him 32 times in the gut with my fully upgraded

shotgun! It took, 32 shots for him to die! I ran out of ammo! This guy was one tough mother! So I walked forward and looked around carefully so I wouldn't run into another, Regenerator thing. Hey that sounds

bad-ass: Regenerator. I better not find another regenerator for the love of God! I opened the next door in front of me and found a huge beast thing with a eyeball in his mouth! I called him Bono's balls,

because he looked liked Bono's balls…not that I know what his balls looked like though!! I thought that was a hilarious name for him, so I laughed. Guess I shouldn't have, because he started attacking me with

his acid shit that shot out of his arms, which were spears by the way. I had no ammo, so I took my knife and started slashing him in the legs saying, "You got no balls! The only balls you gots are in your

mouth!". He replied, "Oh no you didn't!!" and swiped my knife away. Damn regenerator! I used up all my ammo on him. So I just crept in a corner and waited for the thing to kill me. But Ada appeared and shot

the thing in the head and killed in instantly. She gave me ammo for all my guns and gave me a new knife. Then she said, "Sup bitch!" and left. Wow, she was one hot bitch. So I left the cave I was in, and

entered a new gate to continue my quest of searching for Ashley. The story of my life: Saving Ashley, the damn fucking whore from hell.

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**Get the regenerator refference? No? Shut up. You do get it. Don't shake your head you liar, you do get it!...ok, maybe you don't get it.**


	10. Saving Ashley

**---December 20---**

So I looked at my map of the island that I found conveniently lying on the floor and saw a little red blip that said the word 'Ashley' on it. So then I thought, Where the fuck do I find Ashley!? So then Hunnigan

fucking called again and said, "You got 2 days bitch to bring my motha-fuckin' crack before I pop a cap in ya motha'fuckin' head you stupid skinny ass bitch!!" So now I need to fucking find Ashley and get some

quality crack for Hunnigan. I wish that Luis was still alive, he had a big wad of crack with him all the time. That's why he always sounded Mexican, he was really a white guy pretending to be Mexican because of

all the crack he was on. In fact, that no-good son of a bitch had some crack he wanted to give me right before he died! So I went back to the castle to loot Luis's body, only to find that the villagers had already

taken it all and used it all up. Those mother fuckers!! I fucking needed that shit! Now I needed to make my own or else I'd end up with a six inch bullet hole in my left ass cheek! So I took some marijuana that

was lying on the ground, smashed up some dry cow shit and sprinkled some of that on the leaves, and took some plagas guts and rubbed them on the leaves for some flavor. Mmmm! This shit smelled so good

that I wanted to try it, so I did! Just a little. But I was high as fuck instantly! I must have fucked like twenty something villagers in like a half hour! Even guys I fucked! So while I was fucked up, Ashley managed

to escape on her own and wound up finding me. So while I was high I said to her, "…Hooray bitch! Yous deserves is a fuckings celebrations for being so braves!!!" Then I puked on her blouse and she was all,

"Leon! Lick all of this shit off me now!" So I was like, "…K. Then can wees haves the sexs!?" And she was all, "Noooo!!" By the way, I slurred my speech a lot when I was high, I don't know why. I must have

made the strongest fucking crack in the fucking history of drugs! Anyways, then we got hungry, so we found a kitchen. Inside I found a pizza that was uncooked so I headed to the oven to bake it. But when I

opened the oven, a fucking chef came out screaming, "I'm the fucking chef around here! Ain't no one gonna make no pizza tonight!" He was on fire and trying to molest me, so I said, "To hell with you bitch!!"

and I shot him in the head with my shotgun. His guts flew all over Ashley's blouse (which I just licked mind you) and she told me to lick it off. I said that I would rather fuck Hunnigan's mom than lick that brain

guts off! And trust me, Hunnigan's mom is the baddest mother fucking black woman you will ever meet! She's just…I can't explain. Lets just say that she would be the guy in any relationship. So it's getting late

and Dora The Explorer is on in one of the rooms in this island so I gotta go find that TV. So laters for now.

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**Dora? What's up with that?...no, I do not like Dora. Do not...and yes, that crack Leon made is really, REALLY powerful. Try it yourself, it's not hard to make.**


	11. The Ancient Crack

**---December 21-23---**

I forgot to write in my journal for the past three days so I decided to compile them all into one long mother fucking entry. So I'll start out with what happened on December 21. So me and Ashley were snorting

some of that kick-ass crack I had made when suddenly, Ashley tripped and fell in a pile of cow shit. She was all, "Ahhhh, something's poking me!!" So I said, That's what she said. The she got all pissy and said,

"Help me up!" So when I lifted her up, I saw that she was sitting on a dead regenerator. Holy fuck! That thing had a cousin! I thought that there was only one, but another one!? So then the thing stood up,

turned out that he really wasn't dead. Then these spikes came out of him, he looked like the fucking devil!! So then he started running towards us and we were all, "Shhhiiiittt!!" and we started running as fast

as we could. We left the kitchen and ran outside where we found a truck. So me and Ashley hopped in the truck and I started driving like a fucking maniac when suddenly, the truck broke down. Just my fucking

luck! So we stepped outside and found ten fucking regenerators, four of which had spikes coming out of them. So then I tried to sound cool so I took a deep breath and said, "…Lets kill these bitches!" and then

I took out my shotgun and started popping some mother fucking regenerator heads off. When then grew back, I started shooting their dangling ball sacks. When those grew back too, I was all, "Fuck me!" So

then Ashley said, "Here. Wear these thermal goggles I found." What the fuck would some fucking pussy looking thermal goggles do in this fucking situation!?!! So I put them on and found these little red dots

on each regenerators chest. So I shot all the red dots on one guy and he died! Looks like these pussy goggles were my ticket to beating them! So once I killed everyone I turned to Ashley and said, "Why the

fuck do you just stand there like a fucking pussy and watch me die! You know I need help, so get off your bitch ass and lend a fucking hand!" Then she said, "I don't have a gun." So I told her that she didn't

deserve one for being such a bitch, and the fight ended up with both of us snorting some more awesome crack. That shit would make me millions! So I decided to make some more. On December 22, we

stumbled upon a beach. So me and Ashley took off all our clothes and started building sand castles all over the place. Then, suddenly, from out of nowhere, in thin air, from hell, appeared Krauser. He said that

he had bombs planted all over the place and the only way to disarm them was to press the button on the remote control in his pocket. So I smacked his left thigh and the bombs became disarmed. 'Why the

fuck did you do that Leon!? I worked hard to try to kill you! So guess what!? Now I'm going to kill you! Meet me at the top of the great sand castle in a half hour so we can settle this for good!" So I snorted

some crack and loaded up my mine launcher and stood at the top of the sand castle. Krauser appeared and slit his wrists for no reason. He said that he was trying to be cool. Fucking douche bag! So then

these huge penis shot out from his wrists and wrapped around his body to transform him into the legendary penis monster!! Rumor was that the day the penis monster appeared would be the day of the

discovery of the best drug ingredients in the world. Fucking sweet! I just ejaculated on Krauser and he died. The great sand castle then fell apart because Krauser's fat ass was too much for the castle to

support. When I came in contact with the ground, I found a little chest that was unlocked. When I opened it, I found paradise: PCP-laced-marijuana! Oh shit! This stuff was stuff of legends! The only person to

ever smoke this stuff was Michael Jackson, and it was so powerful that after one smoke, he turned white! Hot damn! God knows what'll happen if I smoke all of this shit! Hunnigan would be proud. So I called

her and said, "Bitch, I just found the legendary PCP-laced-marijuana!" Then she said, "Oh lord I knew this day would come! Thanks G! Now get the fuck outta there and get the fuck back here so we can smoke

that fucking shit up dawg! Hunnigan out!" So me and Ashley finished up the last of my special crack that I had made before in celebration of my discovery. Then we became so wasted that we passed out. On

December 23, we found a warehouse with an elevator at the bottom that took us up to the ninety-eighth floor. Jesus Christ, how fucking big was this place!? So when we stepped out we found ourselves

trapped in a hallway, and the elevator broke down. So I told Ashley to wait near the fucking piece of shit elevator while I tried to look for an exit. I found a door and when I opened it, I found myself trapped in a

hallway with fucking laser beams! I jumped and dodged one that came near my fucking feet. Then I ducked at one that came near my head and almost chopped it the fuck off. Then I leaped in between two

that were coming at my head and my feet like an asshole. The I ran up a wall, stuck myself on the ceiling, and jumped behind the last group of lasers that were coming at me like a wall. When I was done, it

turned out that there were no lasers at all, but just my imagination. Must have been from all that fucking awesome crack I had. So then me and Ashley opened a door and found a chair with a laser beam

attached to the front of it aiming at the top of the seat. I read the note pasted on the chair and it said that it was an ancient crack removal machine. Fuck yeah! Now I could remove the crack that I had injected

in me from that giant! So I removed it and ate it so I could get high again. So I ended up removing it again, and this time Ashley ate it, so I had to remove it from her. Then we botch fucking split that shit in

hand and we both ate it. Then I removed it from both of us and Ada came from out of fucking nowhere and stole all of it. Fucking whore! So then I found out door that said 'Roof' on it. So I saved my progress on

a nearby typewriter and fell asleep, waiting for the next morning so I could fucking leave this fucking zombie-infested asshole village of an Island!!

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**My best (and most explicit) chapter in the whole series...yes I said SERIES. Why? Don't like my story? Well no one's forcing you to read it...EXCEPT ME!! p.s. Review please!**


	12. Aftermath

**---December 24---**

Yeah! Happy fucking Christmas Eve for me bitches! Well today, I got on the roof and found Saddler waiting for me. So I shot him with my mine launcher and he died (what a fucking gigantic pussy). Then Ada

came with a helicopter and picked up Saddler's crack -creating-staff that I wanted so badly. Then me and fucking stupid bitch face got on a jet ski and drove the fuck out of the island, which exploded right after

we left,go figure! Then Ashley whispered to me, "Hey Leon, when we get back lets fuck all right?" I declined saying that I was Hunnigan's bitch. So then I fucking got home, fucking dropped Ashley off at the

president's house, received a gold medal form the president which I told him to shove up his fat white ass, then I got back to the police academy. Hunnigan was waiting for me and said, 'You got ma crack

bitch?" in a whispered tone. Then I replied, "Fuck yeah bitch!" And that's the story of how I got to become Hunnigan's boyfriend. The End. -Narrator- "The next day, Leon and Hunnigan got so high on the

legendary crack that they thought that each other was a regenerator, so they each shot each other in the head and they both died. Ashley became so horny that she did it with Hunnigan's mom, which resulted

in her death (Hunnigan's mom was just too much for her). And the president now lives with a four inch chunk of medal shoved up his ass. Now it's the true end of this long, perverted, explicit, racist, filthy

mouthed true story of Resident Evil 4. THE END

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**The most Anti-climatic ending ever. Now I know what you're thinking, "Oh, I wish the story didn't end!" Well do not fear, the next story in this trilogy (yes, Trilogy) will be out sometime before Haloween. Yes I know that that's a long time away, but it will be worth it. After all, SOME PEOPLE GO TO COLLEGE FOR A LIVING!! So be patient. And I hope you enjoyed this story. And if anyone asks, the dates are in December because those are the days I typed the chapters for this story. And don't forget to comment. Bad or good comments are fine. I don't care. But, the more bad comments I get the longer I'll take to post the new story. However, the more good comments I have, I release the next story by two chapters a month. So don't be a 8=D!! And if you don't give a shit about the next story then GTFO!!!!!! *ahem* Thank you. **


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